I hate "experts"! I have lost so much sleep over the crap that "experts" have said. They have made parenting even more difficult. I think they probably meant to make it easier, but they haven't--mostly because they don't agree with each other. So all of us first-time parents sit and agonize over who is right, and what has the best chance of not hurting or emotionally scaring our children. A perfect example with which I am currently grappling is when to let a baby "cry it out". The concept was introduced to me through a book--that most of the people who read my blog know--called Babywise. (but for those of you who are unfamiliar with it) Its a "program" that parents can do, starting with their newborns. It helps set up a routine for the baby by regulating the eating schedule, which in turn regulates the sleep schedule for the most part. Since I've made sure that Abbie eats for 20 mins or more at time, she has done the rest. She eats every 3 hours--its almost clockwork. She generally gets ready for a nap about 30 mins after finishing eating. And for the last week she has been sleeping for about 6 or 7 hours a night. She decided she was gonna all of this on her own starting back at the beginning of December. I haven't had to do one thing beyond making sure she gets a full feeding every time. I really like all of these things and I think that Babywise has makes a lot of good points and has a lot to offer...but the one thing I struggle with (still) is letting Abbie cry it out--for a couple of reasons. 1) I was given a pamphlet written by "experts" that said that letting a child cry-it-out before they are about 3 or 4 months old will create a child with insecure attachments, and that the way to help a child create secure attachments is to respond to their crying for the first 3 or 4 months of life. 2) I graduated in psychology and I've dealt with children who have insecure attachments--it is exhausting and frustrating. I don't want my child to be that child! 3) More often than not, if Abbie is crying after a feeding it means she has a tummy bubble that needs to be burped out, and in recent weeks she has been having other tummy problems. She is already uncomfortable and not feeling well. I'm not gonna let her cry through something that I can fix by picking her up when she feels like that. But according to Babywise (written by another "expert") if you don't teach a baby to self-soothe by letting them cry-it-out then you're creating a selfish, spoiled child that will always need to be at the center of everything. And I don't want to do that either.
I know that just because an "expert" says it doesn't make it true and I am Abbie's mom for a reason and I get to make the final call...but that doesn't mean that I don't second guess myself and agonize over the decisions that I make. I constantly have the words of the "expert" that I'm not listening to ringing in my ears...parenting was already hard enough...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Hey courtenay, its abby purcell! Listen, I found your blog and congrats on the babe!! I'm so happy for you & doug!
And I'm no expert or anything...but I have found, in my experience, that all your baby needs is love and he or she will learn to self soothe in time. I'm not a fan of letting my baby Lincoln cry for hours on end --and ever since we have stopped that, he has slept fine!
You're the expert of your own child...that's my opinion!
Congrats again! We should catch up!
So grateful you wrote this!! I have a ton of friends using Babywise, but it has never jived with me or worked for Aidan. I operate from an attachment lens in therapy and I guess I view the world that way, too. I'm still struggling with Aidan sleeping only 2-3 hours at a time and I just can't do CIO.
I finally looked up actual research articles on baby sleeping etc through BYUs database in peer-reviewed journals. Granted, I'm sure there is still lots of controversy and debate in peer-reviewed journals on these topics.
Here are some things I found:
*CIO shouldn't be done until ataround 5.5-7 months (4 mo at earliest)
*Breastfed babies can sleep through the night. This can be done by rocking them when they wake up in the middle of the night and extending the time until they actually feed. They will compensate by eating more in evening and morning.
*Lots of research to back attachment. E,g. object permanence doesn't begin until around 4 months & monkey doll experiments
Still, even with this "real" research, I'm struggling to know what to do half of the time. I do occasionally let Aidan cry for a bit, other times I respond immediately. Sometimes I feed him to sleep and other times I rock him. Experts would say I'm confusing the heck out of him and he'll never be adjusted!
The one thing I do know is that you are Abbie's mother for a reason. Follow your intuition and do whatever you think is best (regardless of other's opinions).
That's why YOU'RE the mama Courtenay- you know your baby and what she needs. I haven't taken all of Babywise's advice and my little guy is doing just fine. I think some crying is okay, but definitely not hours on end and if landon ever went longer than 1/2 hour or sometimes less I would just listen to my own "intuition" and go from there. Just do what you feel is the right thing for your baby!
I'm not a mother, but I will be someday. Since I am a planner, I have been in "training" for years. I taught public school and spent more time with my 20 students than many of their parents did. I observe parents and children constantly, weighing the pros and cons of different approaches. I babysit my friends kids regularly for "internship" experience, and I have read dozens of books on parenting.
I don't believe in parenting "experts" so I don't claim to be one, but I do have some thoughts on the matter taken from my experience. There can't really be one "right" way to do things and one "wrong" way because we are not clones. Each baby is born with unique needs and a unique personality. Each mother and father has a unique personality as well. Almost every method will have pros and cons. That fact is obvious when you observe relationships between parents and children.
It is good to understand different ideas and approaches to parenting so you can make informed decisions. Advice can be quite useful, especially if you are new to the game, but remember that in the end you must find what works for you, that no methodology will be perfect, and that in the end it is between you, Doug and Heavenly Father to decide what is best for your baby girl.
Post a Comment