Rambling

I don't have anything to say, and maybe that means I shouldn't try to post anything, but I it seems like its been so long since I posted something (besides copy/pasting an email) that I want to. I imagine that since I'm not posting with any sense of purpose this will be a fairly odd and rambling post...but its my blog and I'm ok with rambling.

1) I was thinking the other day how self centered our society is. We feel like we have to have a say about everything and that other people actually care about what we have to say. Blogs are a perfect example. Are there really enough people on the face of the earth that care about what I have to say to warrant me having a blog or am I just so elf centered that I think people should care? Another great example is the way that sites like CNN.com have a space for people to comment at the end of articles. The majority of those comments are ridiculously far-fetched or just plain rude to other people who are posting. [that led me to the thought that if these people were having the same conversation face-to-face they would never say half of the things that they post on-line; the anonymity provided by the internet is eroding common courtesy] But then I realized I don't really care if other people don't care about or value what I think or what I have to say. I value what I have say, and that is enough. I because I see value in what I have to say I can enjoy looking for value in what others have to say.

2) Some people use the phrase "I can't live with you and I can't live without you" to describe romantic relationships. I use it to describe parenthood. In the last 2 months I have been more exhausted and frustrated than I ever remember being at any other point in my life. My biggest challenge has been sleep. I get enough (in fact I think I get more than most people with a 4-8 week old), but I get it on Abbie's schedule. I miss going to sleep just because I'm tired. Now I go to sleep because Abbie is asleep. And if Abbie wakes up, then I do too. But if I could go to sleep whenever I wanted, then I think that would mean that Abbie would not be a part of our family or wouldn't be with us anymore and I couldn't bear that either. She has brought so much joy to our little postage-stamp-sized apartment that neither of us can imagine life with out her (her name means bringer of joy). Yesterday Abbie fell asleep in my arms and I started thinking about an old roommate of my mine. Her little girl would be over a year old now, but she died when she was about 3 months old. Looking at Abbie, and knowing that she is healthy and well, and thinking of my friend and how heartbroken I would be if I had to face losing my baby (even if it is just temporary)brought me to tears...and did again as I typed this out.

3) I have this habit of either trying to be funny (and it doesn't work out the way I thought it would) or just saying the first thing that comes to my head. Either way the result is "open mouth, insert foot". I can talk this way around Doug. He gets me and will just tell me I'm being a dork and that's the end of it. But when I make these mistakes around other people it turns into something I obsess about for weeks. I'm so worried that I offended someone and they don't like me now, or that I made an idiot of myself. I can actually still remember some things I said or did in high school and some of these things still cause me so much embarrassment!--I try to tell myself that no one else even remembers that kind of silliness by now, but I can never quite convince myself of that. But its so frustrating to me because I almost NEVER do anything maliciously (there are very few people that I actually dislike and I'm not around them enough to be annoyed by them enough to lash out). I don't intend to be mean. I'm just terribly opinionated and love to hear differing opinions. I learn so much more from debate and conversation than anything else. I also really want to be funny, and more often than not I just don't know my audience. Usually--after one of these occurrences--I wont even realize it till I get home. And then when I realize that what I said could have been taken negatively I start obsessing and I get so nervous...

I think I have more rambling posts come...